I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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