It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
