Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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