FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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