I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
