I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize