I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
