Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
