She is in my trunk
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
