you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
