and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
