New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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