Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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