i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
