T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If its not for food we ain't going out.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
soo... how was my night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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