he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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