I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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