I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
