never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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