I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
