I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just pee around me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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