you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Im part way to drunk.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
