I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My dick has a subreddit
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
