just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
