I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
