I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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