he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
