Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
