My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
