Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
