I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
