I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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