I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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