I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize