Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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