I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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