It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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