just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
