thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
