the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
