so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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