break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize