Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
