I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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