So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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