Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
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