So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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