Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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