I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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