Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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