Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
birth control should be required to get into college
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize