Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize