As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
