she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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