I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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