glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
