I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
