By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
