Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize