how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
