There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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