I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
